Yu Yu answers readers' questions: How to quickly find a life partner who can talk to each other

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Recently, I launched the "Xian Yu Answers Reader's Questions" activity. If you have any questions you want to ask, please leave a message and I will answer them in order.

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This question is a bit difficult, because you want a "life partner" that is "quick" and "talkable"? This reminds me of a paragraph:

A bunch of men are looking for girlfriends, a bunch of women are looking for boyfriends, two groups of people are looking for their own, without interfering with each other

There may be a reason behind the inconsistency between male and female standards, but in terms of the situation I have been in contact with, I feel that more people are calling for boyfriend and girlfriend, but they stay at home honestly and see the type they like. , did not dare to strike up a conversation, parents and relatives and friends introduced them, but they always refused, and the objects found by the APP felt all kinds of unreliable. To use one sentence: intermittently want to fall in love, and continue to enjoy being single.

So if you really want to find someone, you must take the initiative. In Luo Zhenyu's 2022 New Year's Eve speech, he gave such an example of finding someone:

How to use engineering thinking to find a partner?

I have a friend in her thirties, female, excellent, single. Like many female friends of the same age, she doesn't want to get married, but she doesn't want to make do with it, she just wants to marry her ideal partner. then what should we do? Waiting for a chance encounter? Introduced by a trustee? Going on a blind date like a blind box? It's so outrageous.

She asked herself, what is my ideal partner? After some self-examination, I came to understand that the ideal husband is a smart science and engineering university teacher. Don't laugh, I think her standard is very clear. It's easy to do with this goal.

She is really a giant of action. When she has time, she goes to several universities, especially the departments of science and engineering, to read the bulletin boards of various departments, read the introduction of teachers, especially which young teacher has won the award. After winning an award, whether it is a teaching award or a scientific research award, there is a high probability that the career will be good. If the photo also seems to have eye relationship, ask someone to ask if they are single, and then go to meet each other one by one.

Sifting down like this, in fact, the target range is very small, which is much stronger than finding a needle in a haystack. Sure enough, last year, this friend got married smoothly and lived a very happy life. I admire it.

We all joked with her that you are not looking for a common target, you are looking for a target with engineering thinking.

To do things from the front to the back is to ride a donkey and read the songbook and see, and the uncertainty is very strong; to pull from the back to the front is to find an achievable entry point from the certainty, in fact, it is not that difficult.

So you see, whether it's a boy or a girl, you have to take the initiative to have a story. If you just passively wait at home and always go out with your best friends and friends, you can't find it.

And when we are alone, we often feel a sense of loneliness, which has nothing to do with how many people we usually surround ourselves with. Loneliness is a completely subjective definition. It depends on whether you feel emotionally or communicatively, and you isolated from the people around. The scary thing about loneliness is that it can distort our ability to perceive, rob us of our ability to think, make us believe that the people around us don’t care about us, and make us afraid to connect with people. "Why should we insult ourselves and be rejected?", "Isn't my heartache enough?" These thoughts make us curl up in our comfort zone, expecting the response from others, but refuse to initiate it , However, when you come out and get in touch with everyone, you will find that your thoughts are completely nonsense, and you may even think that you are a little ridiculous, but you are frightened by the fear you imagined.

Let's talk about "talking" again. How can we talk about it? He understands everything you say, can he catch all the stalks you throw? This is of course a kind of chat, but if you just look at it this way, I will think that your target is very good. Otherwise, how can he do it, and the content of the chat can be completely compatible with you?

If I were to judge "talking", I think the most important thing should be to be willing to spend time with you and do something seriously with you.

For example, if you suddenly want to say something in the middle of the night, you call her, and she will say, "What time is it? I'm sleepy, let's talk about it tomorrow." At this time, I often feel uninterested.

To give another example, a girl said to a boy: "Let's watch a movie tonight" and the boy said "Okay", "What do you want to see?" "I can do it all", "How about xxx", "You'll be fine", and in the end everything is You are responsible, you set the direction, and then arrange a few simple chores for the other party to do. In the end, you find that you are very happy, but the other party does not enjoy it very much, and even complains a few words during the quarrel, occupying the time originally planned. .

To give another example, in daily chat, for example, you curiously ask him, "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?", "Have you eaten?" "Have you eaten", "How was your day?" "Okay, I'm busy first." "Okay." One party wants to interact, but the other party doesn't. This kind of chat is really tiring.

To give another example, you have a hobby of reading, and you share a clip with him in high spirits, but he responds, "What's so interesting, pouring cold water down, you don't want to talk to him about this anymore." content.

So think about it, the premise of a conversation must be that both parties are willing to talk, which reminds me of a passage from Simon Beauvoir in "Love Letters from Overseas":

I long to see you, but please remember that I will not ask to see you. Not because of pride, you know I have no pride in your presence, but because it only makes sense for us to meet when you want to see me too.

Only when two people are willing to talk can this "chat" be possible.

But if you are not so good at chatting, it doesn’t matter. The most important thing in chatting is to listen to the other person’s heart carefully. As long as you treat others seriously, your language and words will naturally appeal to your sincerity. In "The Weakness of Human Nature," the author Carnegie gives an example of how he attended a banquet, met a botanist, and chatted with him for hours, almost forgetting everyone else. When the meeting came to an end, the botanist praised Carnegie before the host of the banquet, saying that he was very inspiring, and that he was humorous and chatty, and his manner of speech was very gentle.

Even Carnegie was very surprised, because throughout the night, he hardly spoke, but just listened, but it was because Carnegie listened carefully and felt the pleasure of what he said about botany, and the botanist also felt Carnegie of high spirits, which made him very happy. So Carnegie believes that they can only talk because they are good at listening and encouraging others when they are talking.

Of course, if you feel that you can't chat, then you may really need to learn some skills, after all, it is only by yourself, and sometimes it is really too slow. For example, between men and women, there is a big difference in the way of chatting. Two girls are chatting, and one girl says, I bought a small skirt yesterday, which is very beautiful, and the other girl will say, I bought a top the day before yesterday. It's also very good-looking, but if a man and a woman are chatting, the man may say, how much is it? This is enough to show how different men and women are in their thinking. Although they are of the same species, perhaps as the title says, men are from Mars and women are from Venus.

Of course, after talking for so long, I've been talking about "chat" itself, but in fact, what people often say about "talking" refers to all things. There is a saying that the best friend doesn't have endless things to say when you meet, but you won't feel embarrassed even if you don't talk. One is willing to accompany you to fool around, be stupid or even curse. When you are sad, don't ask too much, just Accompanying you silently, when you laugh out loud, I am willing to guard your childishness. Because the two sides are unique among millions of people, even if they don't speak, they can silently depend on each other. This is not a kind of "talking" Come".

We talked about taking the initiative, and we also talked about the matter of "talking", but it seemed to be very false, and we didn't talk about the specific things to be done. In fact, what skills can you have in finding someone quickly? On the one hand, you can find your hobbies, expand your social circle in your own interest circle, and bravely show and express your opinions. On the other hand, you feel good about people Start chatting from small things, from shallow to deep.

Let me share an example of a friend. He is a person who likes sports very much. He has run cross-country for 50km in the mountains. Once, he experienced rain all the way, from 12:00 pm to 1:00 pm the next day. After running marathons in Beijing, Xi'an, Wuxi, Nanjing and other cities, he and his wife met at the Harbin Marathon. The two ran many marathons together. This is their trophy wall:

So you see, you have to love first, and then you can meet like-minded people on the road.

In the process of getting along with a person, there may be many problems: many people regard their needs and feelings as love, many people think that they have paid, and the other party must also reciprocate, and many people believe that one party must be right when arguing. , one party is wrong, many people think that the other party must surrender to themselves to show their love, many people are used to solving problems through quarrels, so used to even believe that it is part of an intimate relationship, many people think that the other party used to be like , what should it be like now, many people think that they have to play their role well in order to make this relationship happy, and many people do not hesitate to change themselves in order to cater to the other party...

Extracted from so many specific issues, I think the most important thing is to see emotional development as a connection, not a competition. I believe that many people have had this experience. They clearly expected another person's response, but they refused to initiate it, and had to wait for the other party to initiate it, and suffered in the process. At this time, the real thought in our hearts is that if I take the initiative to find him, it means that I need this relationship more than him, I will be rejected or controlled, then I will lose, I cannot lose! Therefore, the other party must take the initiative to initiate it first. In the end, both parties were exhausted.

We often form a relationship with a person because of their aura, but as we get to know them more and more, we will find that the aura fades, the disillusionment fades, and we become more and more intolerable. When we were first together, I was so happy, so happy that I thought that the other party had the key to make you happy, but now I am so unhappy, you must be unwilling to give it to me. For this happiness, some people use various methods such as pretending to be sick and self-abusing to attract the attention of the other party. The other person adopts a revenge mentality. If you hurt me, I want to hurt you a little bit. Seeing that you are unhappy, I can get a little comfort. Or else it's self-imposed exile, giving up struggling and hoping that others don't bother you, emotionally estranged from reality breaking your heart.

But we all have to understand one thing at the end of the day, and that is what we really need, and no one can give it, and no one can make us happy. We think that when the other person reaches out to us, hugs me, or promises us that they love me, I will feel loved, reassured, and not helpless anymore. But the truth is that our expectations, whether or not they are met, only make the outcome worse.

We know that the purpose of expectations is to have needs met, and if our needs are met, we feel a lack of love in our hearts, because if we need something, it must be because we don't have it. Needs are met. consciousness is stronger. And if it's not fulfilled, we feel that the world doesn't have enough love, so the end result is that my old thinking becomes more unbreakable: no one loves me, the world has no love, and no one in the world loves .

That’s why people often say, “Love others first, love yourself first.” This love does not mean putting on a beautiful makeup, or cherishing the body and not self-abuse, but admitting the imperfect self in one’s heart and changing it within the scope of what one can do If we strive to change within, we will not strive to seek outside and build our own value on others. Obtaining what you need from others is futile after all. Your heart is not rich. When you establish a connection with others, you will always find something in others to fill your heart. The relationship between the two is exhausted, and although the final result of the two people is not necessarily a separation, it is by no means the kind that can encourage us to surpass ourselves, can inspire the meaning and direction of life, and help us when we are tested. "Soul Relationship".

Of course, you may have a deep understanding of these principles, or you may be dismissive. If there is anything that needs to be remembered, I think it must be self-examination. Every question is actually a way to examine yourself and make yourself better. good chance.

Our opinions about others are often formed after observing the behavior of others and interpreting them with our own thoughts. We saw a man in luxurious clothes gave a dollar to a beggar. One said, "This man is really a good man," and another said, "This man is really stingy. Who is right?" In fact, neither is right or wrong, they are just projecting some of their ideas onto others. Our interpretation of the behavior of others is nothing more than a projection of our own evaluations and beliefs about ourselves.

Therefore, when we encounter problems in interpersonal relationships, whether in intimate relationships or ordinary relationships, the real thoughts are often not the ones we think of at the first time. What we have to do is to examine our own thoughts and find the truth behind them. demand. But be aware that the real answer must be found in peace. Worry, fear, panic, the urge to compete, etc., can clutter your mind and prevent you from hearing the voice of your heart. See the problem as an opportunity, an opportunity to make yourself better, honestly face your attitude towards this problem, and investigate your own psychology deeply, even if the final conclusion is to leave, which is heartbreaking, but Please also make a choice in accepting this heartbreak calmly.

Listen to your inner voice, and your essence will slowly seep into your behavior patterns, influencing you to engage in jobs and activities that suit your talents. When you encounter a problem, what you have to do is never let one side win and let the other lose, but on the premise of listening to your inner voice, and with a sincere attitude to decide what action to take or not to take. , which is really good for everyone.

At the time of writing this reply, 520 is approaching, so I wish you all a happy Valentine's Day! Lovers are finally married​!

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